On April 5, 2008 a new sheriff was born. Upon receiving word by Pony Express that cult leader Charlton Heston had at last gone to hell, Annie Chokely bit the bullet and shredded her NRA membership card. Directly descended from everyone’s sharp-shootin’ feminist problematic fave, Annie is determined to use her legacy to dismantle the bigoted and violent gun culture that this country really shouldn’t have been founded on in the first place! 

Annie and her miniature bison, Bicep, have made their way from the West Coast to the Midwest, disrupting the resurgence of “law and order,” staring down the barrel of the proverbial gun and looking evil directly in its khaki-wearing eyes. 

Darn tootin’ but not gun toting, staunch supporter of trigger warnings and breaker of trigger fingers, Annie Chokely just wants everyone to unload and have a good time--a safe, respectful, mutually beneficial good time.

Cherry Cordial has always had a honeyed nature, with a dash of competitiveness. Like anyone she has a dark chocolate side but works to keep that side ziplocked up. She has molded much of her life after the old saying "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

Naturally, Cherry found a passion in baking; her own way to make the lives of others a little bit sweeter. Opening her own bakery, “Something Sweet,” Cherry was thrilled to bring delectable treats to her customers. 

Unfortunately, Cherry quickly started to discover that catching flies was a horrible idea no matter what you use. Rolled over, battered, and unpaid too many times, Cherry Cordial has had it with being beaten by a bunch of rotten eggs. 

Look out! Cherry has snapped and her inner badass, CHERRY DEADLY, has taken over and is on the hunt to shove some bitter bakers chocolate down the throats of those who have wronged her. She is delivering her own brand of revenge cupcakes to make sure people get their just desserts. She’ll stop at nothing to get what’s owed to her!

Making her debut to the Champaign Ladies Amateur Wrestling stage…see the savage! The mean! The viciously delicious baker from the undertaker!!!! Cherry Deadly!!!

After an experiment gone wrong at the U of I's Morrow Plots, a lone ear of corn became sentient. Gathering kernels of information from her surroundings, an idea popped into her head. She could rule, and this sleepy Midwestern town's dependence on her for everything--from gasoline to high fructose corn syrup--would be the secret to her rise. Like a GMO seed in a field of native crops, she will infiltrate this human society. Like a late night craving for salty delights, she only gets stronger with time. Standing "as high as an elephant's eye," the Cornstalker takes no prisoners. Fearing neither rust nor smut, she'll stalk you, shank you, and stick in your teeth. She will crop-dust you, plow you under, and give zero shucks. 

The corn resistance is coming: see you in your poop.

Deborah was once a simple, carefree Reaper-in-Training, happy to give the souls in her care (pets and smokers, primarily) a gentle shove to the Other Side. Reaping is basic protocol--the End Of Life notice comes in, and Deb carries out the order with a smile (and a hilarious anecdote about her nephew). It's not glamorous, but it's a living! [rim shot] 

But Deb's candy dish and "team player" attitude went out the window when one day she was short-changed for her afternoon strawberry smoothie. As she stared at the incorrect coins, something in Deb's brain snapped: 
ATM fees. 
Jerry making 20% more than me for the same job. 
COLLEGE TUITION. 

That Mambo Juice never saw what hit them--there were oranges in places you wouldn't believe. 

That day, Death N. Taxes was born, and she vowed to seek out financial injustices and settle the score--at whatever cost. She's climbing the corporate ladder and putting stingy jerks in the ground. Every dollar will be accounted for--no debt will go unpaid. And if you make fun of her spreadsheets, be prepared to take it to the mat!

Deep within the recesses of the Undergraduate Library, a librarian wandered into a long lost tunnel and discovered a hoard of forgotten books. By an accidental freak turn of events, the door shut--locking her inside.

Surviving on only the random mice and card catalog subjects from Abalone to Prosciutto, her sense of self dwindled away, her thoughts reduced to an overwhelming obsession with all that was around her: returning the thousands of books to their precise location. Once she was unearthed, she attempted to get hired in all of the local libraries, but her attempts were futile. Her overbearing and anal-retentive personality did not fit in with the welcoming libraries.

She continued to go to each library, but due to a violent temper that arose at anyone who broke a rule, she was banned! Not being able to comprehend this, she retreated even further into her delusion, believing she is not only the director of the local libraries, but also that she's constantly within a library!

Now an twisted creature, asserting her precise, disciplined nature onto anyone who contradicts her, she is known as... DEWEY DECIMATOR!

After 10 years of being a Manhattan family court judge and 21 years of running the toughest televised court reality show in America, Grudge Judy became disillusioned in the court and criminal justice system. Deciding to take matters into her own hands, she took to the streets and now deals with crime in whatever way she sees fit. So watch out if you're up to any shenanigans - as she once said, "I eat morons like you for breakfast. You're gonna be crying before this is over."

What do you mean you haven’t heard of IUDiva? She’s the Lady Gaga of your lady parts, the Britney of your baby maker, the Cher of your right to choose, the Madonna of you-don’t-have-to-be-a-Mamma! She’s literally the Paragardian of your uterus. She’s a shiny copper piece of hell yes and demands your R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Cross her? Oh you better believe she’ll implant your ass.

After her dad walked out on her and her mom abandoned her at a shopping center, this precocious young girl was left to fend for herself. Together with her dog Brandon, she did what she had to do to survive--fighting other rogue orphans, squatting in abandoned apartments, stealing to eat. But she didn’t always get away with it. At 7 years old, she has already served two stints at Fenster Hall, the local foster home. 

At Fenster Hall, she honed her fighting skills even more to protect her and Brandon from bullies. There were few toys and very little food because of the tough economic environment and limited resources due to a lack of state funding. Many of the bullies underestimated Punky because she was a girl; they thought they could easily take her toys, steal her food, and even mess with Brandon without reprimand. They were sorry to find out that she did not let bullies get away. 

She quickly developed a following. She was such a good friend that during her second stay at Fenster Hall, five other orphans risked solitary confinement to help her escape. With her charisma and charm, she has been able to recruit others to her cause of stopping bullies and she has even warmed the icy heart of her landlord, now foster father, Henry.

But do not be fooled, they still call her PUNKY BRUISER for a reason, any sign of bullying and she will put you in your place!

KNOCK KNOCK
WHO’S THERE
TERD SERPENT
KNOCKIN’ ATCHA BACK DOOR

The devil bastard love child of Randy “Macho Man” Savage and GG Allin was spawned forth on a shitty bad day back in November of 1978. Abandoned by her two fathers who were unable to reconcile their differences, TERD was left to be raised by a clutch of snakes who lived down by the local sewage plant in Springfield.

Not knowing much else, having been raised feral by her dear snake parents, she became twisted. Her beloved adoptive parents Ssssssteven and Ssssssally were killed by maintenance men at the sewage facility. This cemented the TERD’s intense hatred of the human race.

TERD was forced back into human society after a social worker was called to handle her when she would not leave the bodies of her deceassssssed adoptive family. Begrudgingly, she learned to walk upright, but could not shake off the need to heed the calling of her snake ancestors to slither and spew hatred for humans, and for cleanliness.

The TERD ssssseeks to destroy all that is good in this world, and will use every dirty filthy trick in the book to achieve her goal...

Hailing from the great state of Michigan, Chrissy “The Thighmaster” Angel has been addicted to the burn since she first followed along to Buns of Steel from her door-mounted baby bouncer. But don’t be fooled by her keen workout, this little fanatic brings more to the ring than a shiny pair of leggings. More high intensity than a Shake Weight on a trampoline, if the Thighmaster is there get ready to hit the mats hard. When she isn’t getting her reps in, Chrissy A enjoys studying her VHS fitness video collection, polishing her boom box, and eating saltines. What really ticks her off?—Non-aerosol hairspray, cholesterol, and missing her daily routine. So if you’re not ready to keep your heart rate up, stay the golly out of her way.

Clawing and tearing her way from the depths of an underground lab comes TIARASAURUS REX! As a woman-dinosaur hybrid she was created to fulfill the sick fantasies of Professor Pervert. Unfortunately for him, TIARASAURUS REX retained the mind of the woman she once was as well as the ferocious instincts, strength, and razor sharp talons of our history's most vicious dinosaurs. With her tiny arms and strong legs she was able to disembowel and tear Professor Pervert limb from limb. After tasting the blood of the sick man who created her, TIARASAURUS REX is now on the rampage for more. Whatever you do don't stand in her way. Literally, don't stand in her way, she'll murder you.

Whammy Faye once had it all: a loving husband, a heavenly fortune, faith in God and her fellow man, and a platinum card with the Mary Kay saleslady. But the thieving philanderer took her fortune to pay his mistress, the IRS took the rest, and now all she's got is her faith and her fabulous eyelashes...and a calling for vengeance. Sweet Jesus, watch your backs, sinners! ‘Cause Hell ain’t got nothing on Heaven when it comes to a woman scorned.

Midwestern from her 'do to her shoes, Your Mom misses you. Now that you've moved out, its just her and your father, Cal, in that house. Sure, you'll visit for another Amy Grant Christmas, but what about all that time in between? Did you know Your Mom wrestled in middle school? All while destroying Home Ec and serving as treasurer of the Khaki Club.

Well kids, after years of being the laundry fairy and trying to get your father to pull the damn weeds, Your Mom is getting "woke." After she learns what that word means, anyway.

Now, with your butts out of the house, she's creating a to do list of asses to kick and names to take . . . in alphabetical order of course.
 

Are you feeling it? Those pre-party butterflies? Raise your glow sticks to the crop-top lovers Mary Jane and Molly. Best friends since a serendipitous meeting in a warehouse bathroom in New York City, they were born to light up this world with cuddles and good f*ckin vibes. The energy they feel is so warm and overwhelming that it envelops the world. Rave ON!